Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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