Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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