nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
