seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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