there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
