4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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