K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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