im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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