i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
