Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
