my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
