Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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