the condom got lost in my hair
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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