I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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