His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize