He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
