Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
