checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
