I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
