Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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