this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
