I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
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I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize