I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
