How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
