So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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