when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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