T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
