Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Drunk is not a location!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
