the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
