My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
