Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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