party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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