I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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