My liver just broke up with me...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
