I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
not ubering you a puppy
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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