it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
