I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm really busy with my period
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