I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
