Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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