I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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