In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
