but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
