First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
