He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
