I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
