So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
