I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
