Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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