i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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