there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
