I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
