my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
