Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
