Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
