i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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