I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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