Swine flu. Run for my life!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
