I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
