I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
